Turtlemay’s General FAQ
Alternatively: “Questions nobody asked but I’m telling you anyway”
Why are you called that?
I fancied the name Turtle after one of the main characters of a childhood book that I identified with at the time. Tack on the first three letters of my last name and I have used it ever since for no other reason than I like how it sounds.
Why don’t you work in tech?
I had lofty ambitions out of high school but ultimately I’ve had a hard time accepting the state of the industry. Perhaps the most salient issue of all is my tendency to fixate on small problems. Like Hal’s kitchen lightbulb, each new obstacle cascades into another vaguely related task (known in the software world as “yak shaving”). Layer upon precarious layer of modern software makes this unavoidable, but I’m learning to cope gradually.
Why did you move to Columbus, Ohio?
I originally came to avoid my family and haven’t had sufficient impetus to change anything. One advantage of this area is the accessibility of businesses, though ironically the places in America where you can conceivably not have a car—e.g. densely-populated cities—are also the most plagued by toxic car culture and car-centric infrastructure. After getting my inheritance I was quite close to moving back to Savannah, if not for the girl I was dating at the time. I ultimately found a cheap single family home as close as possible to the river trail and have decently rooted after six years. Moreover, I’m foreseeably unlikely to ever afford another move.
Why don’t you drive?
I find it altogether undignifying, wasteful, and treacherous.
I inherited an SUV once… it was promptly sent back to the bank, and if that’s not a thorough enough illustration of my opinion on cars, I also threw away the check.
Why can’t I comment?
I’m not that eager to hear from you. But you can send me your blog.
What’s a blog?
You’re a blog.
Looking for love?
It’s 2024, America is cooked, dating is a thing of the past, and I weep for all future men.
This may be the strangest context for this endorsement, but there’s a beautiful passage written by Jonathan Blow from the game Braid about how being loved is a cursed existence—to paraphrase… in order to please someone, you have to be wholly understood by them and therefore confined by their expectations. Whether or not that’s intended to be a lesson, it does describe my longstanding attitude towards relationships.
Anyway, I’ve had my whirlwind romance. Turns out it wasn’t all that great for me.
What motivates you?
The only explicit value in the universe is what we invent in our minds. Our ultimate legacy as consumers is little more than a crater full of garbage, so let your ideas not fall to the same fate.
I have a question.
T•O•O•BAD